This topic is so close to my heart because a person I dearly care about is in this situation, it breaks my heart everyday to see this person stuck in this cycle. Toxic relationships are dangerous in a sense that the person who is in it lives on major denial.
I mean if you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don’t seem to like yourself and you feel like you are losing yourself then you might be stuck in such a relationship.
TOP 10 Excuses You Make to Stay in a Bad Relationship
These are common excuses used to justify staying in a bad relationship and why NONE of them are good reasons.
Excuse #1: I’d rather settle for him than be alone.
What’s wrong with being single? I mean you had a life before you met up with this person, who says you won't when they disappear. Stop putting yourself through pain, this will only make things worse and you'll end up being depressed. Being in such a relationship is worse than being alone believe me.
Excuse #2: I’m comfortable.
Well I'm comfortable in my pjs, so does that mean I should wear them in public all day everyday? NO. Then why stay? Is change something that makes you cringe? Are you stringing a relationship along primarily because it has benefits? Money, companionship, image, physical intimacy, fun, familiar routine? Let’s face it, we have all temporarily turned to everything from shopping to food for fulfillment. Things (even relationships with benefits) can never truly satisfy!!
Excuse #3: I love him.
"But I looooove him!" THIXO if I had a rand for every time I heard those words! GEEZ!!! I love my dog! I love my sister! I love my shoes! There is a difference in loving and being “in love” and fully committed to the person you KNOW you were meant to marry…for better or worse. You have to get out of the “love” boat to walk on the water. What I mean is, you have to move away from the one you “love” and walk out into the unknown toward God patiently till He brings you your one, true love.
Excuse #4: I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me (Revenge)
That my dear might OR will NEVER happen. You will end up waiting forever because when he hurts you, you plan your revenge then he apologizes then you forget about it. An on going unhealthy cycle for yourself and people around you. Break the cycle not for anyone but yourself.
Excuse #5: We have a child together.
OK. So you’re single and pregnant, or maybe you’re single with children already. You have a great reason to abandon, not your kids, but the bad relationship that entangles you. Your kid/s deserve better!!
Excuse #6: I’m waiting until Mr. Right comes along.
Let’s get serious! If Mr. Right crosses your path, he’ll consider your low standards unattractive and immature. Your present relationship portrays evidence of the NEEDY, INSECURE person you are choosing to be. The bad relationship you’re in is a huge red flag to the confident mate you truly desire to be with. No, It’s more like a stop sign! Don’t allow a mountain of insecurity to cause Mr. Right to take a u-turn!
Excuse #7: We’re engaged, already committed.
Have you agreed to marry him, but now you’re having doubts? If there is doubt, DON’T! Use the valuable opportunity you have now for a “time-out” to reevaluate or choose to live the rest of your life with regret! Don't wait until the very last day (wedding day)
Excuse #8: I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Has your heart left the picture, but your still hanging around because you’d like him to stay happy? Maybe you feel bad leaving him because he has spent so much time and money on you. You’re not stock maan this isn’t an investment game or something. Have you tried to walk away but he persuaded you to stay? You’re not a puppet dear, pull your hearts strings from his grip. Your people-pleasing nature, coupled with his controlling tendencies, are brewing up your worst nightmare.
Excuse #9: But we've been together for a long time
SO WHAT?? I've been eating junk all my life and not exercising, does that make it right? Does it take away the fact that its unhealthy? NO NO NO..So why should you stay in such a relationship if its unhealthy. Believe me you won't die without this person, you might feel like it but dear you'll survive.
Excuse #10: He’ll change for the better!
The worst mistake people make, if someone has to change into something they are not they are not for you. Humans are not machines which can be 'fixed' 'controlled' into something we want, a person can't be changed by anyone but themselves. So as long as the person keeps on doing what hurts you or what you don't like even after voicing your concerns then my dear you are holding on for nothing..'uhlelele iKaka qha!!!' MOVE ON!!
In such a situation you need to regain your individuality and strength but before you can do that, you’ll need to determine if the relationship is taking something away and if so, put an end to the destructive cycle.
STEPS TO TAKE
1. EVALUATE HONESTLY: Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy? Be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began or since the problems began
- Are you enjoying elevated esteem from your friends & family or are they looking at you sideways? Are your family relationships suddenly filled with TENSION, every time your partner’s name comes up? While stressed relationships with others aren’t a sure sign of an unhealthy romance, red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is getting worried or IS BEING PUSHED AWAY.
-Do you find yourself straying from your path? Are you OBSESSING about activities that require you to be alone (any time you can’t be with your love)?
-Does this person bring out your best or worst traits? Do you feed each others’ best self or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror your partner’s, which puts off your family and friends?
2. RECOGNIZE YOUR BLINDNESS TO YOUR PARTNER'S FAULTS.
Sometimes our starry-eyed affection can make us willfully close our eyes to warning signals, even though we really kind of know that our friends and family have a point when they say they don’t like this or that about the significant other.
-ASK YOURSELF
• Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your significant other’s behavior? Finding reasons to excuse it? “Oh, he went through a terrible relationship before and has some issues… you can understand…” If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you’re probably already aware that there is a problem and haven’t yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend. In fact, when a relationship is healthy, your friends and family are normally going to recognize that this person makes you very happy, brings out the best in you, and they will rejoice with the two of you.
3. MANIPULATION
Remember that manipulation is when your partner gets you to do something you really wish you hadn’t. This person likes getting you outside your comfort zone, because then he is pulling the strings, getting one over on you.
4. CONTROL
Look for subtle establishment of control over time. It doesn’t happen obviously, suddenly, or overnight. Controlling, manipulative people are often very insecure. That’s why they have the compulsion to control others, they simply don’t trust anyone but themselves. They will invest weeks or months in ‘training’ you to accept and carry out their will:
-Are you realizing it’s just become easier not to spend time with people you’ve loved for years, rather than to make apologies or excuses for her lateness or her rudeness?
-Have all of your past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your new love, or new friends you’ve made since you’ve been together? Severing your ties to the familiar stability of the world you have always known means he has just made himself the center of your universe, and now has no competition for your attention.
5. DISCREPANCIES
Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your new girlfriend that made you stop and say, “Huh? But she said something different to me… You can’t have understood that right.” Did you then dismiss the idea that what your friends heard could have actually been true? That’s a big red flag. When you’re being controlled or manipulated, it’s usually through half-truths not outright lies. There’s just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn’t the first time you’ve had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what she said, and what your friends say. It may save you from disaster later.
6. KEEP YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM.
Cutting you off from your support systems helps him gain dominance over you and you think it’s your decision. Controlling people treat your friends with disrespect but when ALONE with you, they never say a bad word about those friends, but rather is kind, loving, and complimentary to you about them it makes you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don’t understand him, etc. You forget his nastiness to their faces because he’s nice behind their backs. When you find yourself telling your mom or sister, “But, you don’t know him like I do,” THAT'S A BAD SIGN. It’s much easier to for him control you when you’ve decided your loved ones just don’t understand your mate, and soon, you have no one but him to turn to.
7. RECOGNIZE EXCESSIVE JEALOUSY OR POSSESSIVENESS AS A DANGER SIGNAL.
If your partner is protective of you that’s sweet. If she’s bizarrely, overly protective, it’s scary. Does she question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person? Get angry about it? Disbelieve you when you say that person is just a friend or work colleague?
8. WATCH FOR REPEAT OFFENSES
Watch for repeat offenses, shallow apologies and “courting” afterwards. He does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness tells you he realizes he was wrong, and promises to change. He seems utterly sincere and convincing but it is part of the control. It is a way to use your compassion to keep you interested at this point he may even say HE WANTS YOUR HELP TO CHANGE, particularly if you have let him know that you will not tolerate such things again. Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as he believes he has you hooked and complacent again.
9. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR BEING INTO THIS PERSON
Realize that s/he’s amazing – on the surface – and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for being attracted to that. These people are often an odd mix of very high intellect or talent, coupled with low self-esteem (although they often seem confident to the point of arrogance a mask for their internal lack of true confidence).
10. ASSESS WHETHER THE RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH SAVING.
All of the above are warning signs that you are involved with a controlling person who’s likely to be manipulating you. Does that mean the relationship should end? Not always. Try talking about it with your partner, show him or her this post maybe, or get into couples therapy. If you recognize any or all of these signs, there’s a chance that now that you can identify and articulate your problems, you may be able to work through them. Be objective, though if talking, working it through, or going to counseling HAS FAILED to get your partner to stop these behaviors, there may be no choice but to part ways, even if you still love him or her.
11. ACCEPT THE END AND GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
Assuming your partner has resisted changing his or her behavior and despite your best efforts to work things out so that you are not being controlled so much, s/he persists in the controlling, manipulative behaviors, you will have to accept reality. Once you’ve recognized this EMOTIONAL ABUSE for what it is, you will likely tire of it quickly and want to leave, despite your lingering feelings for this person. Be careful. Controlling, manipulative individuals will want to control you, even if they don’t care about the relationship any more. The old saying “S/he doesn’t want me, but doesn’t want me to be with anyone else, either,” was invented for this type of person. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and can maintain a healthy relationship. This just isn’t it. Take steps to end it swiftly and leave..NOW!
TIPS
-Don’t blow off the opinions of your friends and family; they do have your best interests in mind. One person can be ignored – many cannot. Do they tell you you’re acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem – and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike for your partner? And if more than one close family member or friend is expressing dislike of the new guy/gal, give more weight to the negative opinions.
-Don’t be mean about it. You don’t have to be like him/her to get away. Just say it’s not a match and you don’t intend to continue the relationship. Period. Don’t try pointing out all of the above warning signs. This type of person won’t recognize him or herself. It’s like trying to teach a dog to sing, it wastes your time and makes the dog bitter.
WARNINGS
* Severely controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for them. The best help you can give them is to
•refuse to be their victim and,
• direct them to professional help.
* The likelihood of stalking and violent behaviors developing in this type of person is higher than in others, both for you and any supporters you might have. If you feel you’re being stalked, notify authorities and take steps to make yourself safe (travel with others, stay with friends or family, avoid places you frequented together, get a restraining order).
* If s/he shows up at your door after you’ve broken it off, don’t open it if you’re home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you do decide to talk to him or her (not recommended), but even though you want to be compassionate, the best and easiest approach is to simply cut off contact with him/her and his/her family members
* Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end as it is likely to be used as a weapon against you. Cutting them off may seem cruel but it ends the confrontations and forces them to move on or get help.
* Watch for stalking behaviors or threats, including threats to harm you or your supporters or to COMMIT SUICIDE. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time they start they sh*t.
Getting out is possible and the healing process will be hard but you will get through it. Go out with your friends, your family, and alone. Re-establish ties with all those things and people you left behind while your judgment was clouded. GET YOUR LIFE BACK!!
#Thought of the week# love yourself enough to walk away from anything that causes you pain!!
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